At certain points in a long-term relationship, it’s completely normal for your sex life to shift — and sometimes, take a nosedive. You might start off having sex multiple times a day (thanks, honeymoon phase), only to find yourselves gradually moving to a few times a week, then perhaps every few months. This can leave you wondering: What’s considered “normal” when it comes to sex in a long-term relationship?
The short answer? It depends.
According to certified sex therapist and Wanting Sex Again author Laurie Watson, most couples simply can’t sustain the high frequency typical at the beginning of a relationship — and that’s perfectly okay.
In many ways, a slowdown in sex can actually be a positive sign. It might mean you’re reconnecting with friends, rediscovering solo hobbies, or simply settling into the ease and comfort of a stable partnership. And the truth is, not everyone wants or needs frequent sex to feel satisfied in a relationship.
Still, for some couples, a drop in sexual frequency can raise concerns. If you’re experiencing a dry spell or have noticed a significant change in intimacy, it’s natural to wonder whether something deeper might be going on.
Below, two therapists weigh in on what “enough sex” really means in long-term relationships — and how to navigate the conversation with your partner when things feel off.
How Much Sex Is Enough?
Society often pushes the idea that more sex equals a healthier relationship — but that’s not always the case, says Lilith Foxx, a board-certified sexologist. While it’s tempting to compare your sex life to what you see in movies or hear about from friends, Foxx emphasizes that there’s no universal standard for what’s “normal.”
Instead of focusing on numbers or quotas, a better question to ask is: Are we both satisfied with our sex life? Answering that honestly means tuning into your own needs and checking in with your partner regularly.
According to Foxx, a lack of sex may become a problem if one or both partners feel disconnected, resentful, or uncomfortable discussing intimacy. “Other signs include feeling more like roommates than romantic partners, avoiding physical touch for fear it might lead to sex, or having one partner always initiate while the other consistently pulls away,” she says.
Desire naturally ebbs and flows for many reasons — stress, health, emotional distance, or life changes can all play a part.
If sex used to be enjoyable but now feels like an obligation — or if it’s fallen off the radar entirely due to unresolved issues — it may be time to reassess and reconnect. These shifts can signal the need to be more intentional about intimacy, both physically and emotionally.
While there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, research suggests that couples who have sex about once a week tend to report higher levels of relationship satisfaction. That said, having less frequent sex doesn’t mean your relationship is failing.
“What matters most is whether both partners feel fulfilled,” says Foxx. “Some couples are happy with sex a few times a year, while others thrive on daily intimacy. It’s really about finding what works for you as a couple.”
Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby
Sex is a tricky topic to talk about because it can bring up insecurities. “There’s often fear of hurting a partner’s feelings, being judged, or feeling rejected,” says LilithFoxx. “Many people also associate their desirability or relationship success with how often they have sex, so bringing it up can feel like admitting failure.”
It’s also low-key embarrassing. Even if you and your partner feel close in other ways, sitting down to talk about “doing the deed” can feel pointed, awkward, or just plain weird. To ease into the conversation, LilithFoxx recommends approaching each other with curiosity instead of criticism.
“Instead of saying, ‘We never have sex,’ try something like, ‘I miss feeling physically close to you,’” she says. Once you start chatting, you can discuss what’s right for your relationship. Focus on what sex means to you. Is it about stress relief? Connection? Adventure? Be honest about what you want, and from there it should be easier to tell if you’re having “enough” sex to meet those needs.
It’s also OK if you talk it through and realize you’re both OK with having infrequent sex. “There’s nothing wrong with having a lower libido or not placing a high priority on sex,” says LilithFoxx. Desire can wax and wane for several reasons, especially as you go through different life and relationship phases.
You might feel frisky in the summer but not so much in the winter when it’s cold and dreary. One or both of you may go through a period of insecurity, and it’s also normal to hook up less if you’re dealing with a family problem or health issue. “In those cases, open communication is essential to finding ways to stay connected without pressure.”
How To Have More Sex
If you realize you’d both like to have more sex, there are plenty of ways to add it back into your life. “That doesn’t mean scheduling sex if that feels forced, but making space for connection,” says LilithFoxx.
To get in the mood, try kissing, cuddling, or flirting throughout the day. “Creating moments of excitement outside the bedroom, like going on dates, trying something new together, or even just being more present with each other can reignite attraction,” she says.
If you’ve noticed that you stopped having sex because you’re too tired, then going to bed earlier or having morning sex could be the key. And you can also try initiating in a playful, low-pressure way. “Simply asking, ‘Want to fool around? can open the door to more frequent intimacy,” says LilithFoxx.
Watson also warns against waiting to be in the mood. “Most of us assume that we should feel something first to know we want sex, but relying on memory gets us past the gate so that arousal can whet our appetite,” she says. Try kissing and touching in bed. Once things get rolling, you’ll likely be on board.
As you start to add sex back into your relationship, it should be easier to make it a more regular occurrence — and it should be easier to tell when you’re both in the mood. “Long-time lovers develop shorthand,” Watson says. “They know what a look or touch means.” Often all you’ll need to do is give each other “the look” and you’ll be off to the bedroom.
Sources:
Laurie Watson, licensed couple’s therapist, certified sex therapist, author of Wanting Sex Again